11:37 am  

positive thinking thought #33

Making Unfair Comparison Fair comparisons are OK but unfair comparisons make a person feel inferior. Comparison basically brings out ...

Making Unfair Comparison

Fair comparisons are OK but unfair comparisons make a person feel inferior. Comparison basically brings out the competitive spirit to outperform the next person. People with high self-esteem don't compete with others; instead, they improve their own performance. They compete against themselves. They compare their performance against their capabilities.

Failure or Success: A Ripple Effect

There is a lot of truth in the statement, "success breeds success and failure breeds failure." In sports, we often see that whenever the champion's morale is low--and it does get low at some point--the coach will never put him up against a good fighter because if he suffers one more defeat, his self-esteem will go even lower. To bring his self-confidence back, the coach pits him against a weak opponent, and that victory raises his self-esteem. A slightly stronger opponent is next and that victory brings up the level of confidence, and on and on until the day comes when the champion is ready to face the ultimate challenge.

With every success, self-confidence goes up and it is easier to succeed the next time. For this reason, any good leader, be it a parent, teacher or supervisor, would start a child off with easy tasks. With every successful completion, the child's level of confidence and self-esteem go up. Add to that positive strokes of encouragement, and this will start solidifying positive self-esteem. Our responsibility is to help break the chain of failure and put ourselves and our children into the chain of success.

Confusing Failing with Failure

When people fail in any particular event, most get so disheartened that they start looking at themselves as failures, not realizing that failing does not equal failure. I might have failed but I am not a failure. I may be fooled but I am not a fool.

Unrealistic Expectations of Perfection by Parents, Teachers and Supervisors

Suppose a child comes home with a report card with five As and one B. Usually the first thing his parents will say is, "Why the B?" What do you think will go through the child's mind? Did he try for the B? Or should his parents congratulate the child for the B and accept a lower standard? Not at all.

What the child is really looking for is acknowledgement and encouragement for the effort in getting the five A's. A parent, after acknowledging and praising the As, can make clear his expectations of seeing all six A's and offer help if needed. If we lower our standards, the chances are pretty good that the performance next time would drop to those expectations.

Similarly at work, an employee does 100 things right and one thing wrong. Guess what the boss picks on. Acknowledge the positive but don't lower your standards.

Lack of Discipline

What is Discipline?

Is it absolute freedom to do what a person wants? Is freedom regardless of consequences? Does it mean corrective action after a problem occurs or a wrong is done? Is it imposition? Is it abuse? Does it take away freedom?

The answer is none of the above. Discipline does not mean that a person takes a belt and beats up kids. That is madness. Discipline is loving firmness. It is direction. It is prevention before a problem arises. It is harnessing and channeling energy for great performance. Discipline is not something you do to but you do for those you care about.

Discipline is an act of love. Sometimes you have to be unkind to be kind: Not all medicine is sweet, not all surgery is painless, but we have to take it. We need to leam from nature. We are all familiar with that big animal, the giraffe. A mama giraffe gives birth to a baby giraffe, standing. All of a sudden, the baby falls on a hard surface from the cushion of mama's womb, and sits on the ground. The first thing mama does is to get behind the baby and give him a hard kick. The baby gets up, but his legs are weak and wobbly and the baby falls down. Mama goes behind again and gives him one more kick. The baby gets up but sits down again. Mama keeps kicking till the baby gets on its feet and starts moving. Why? Because mama knows that the only chance of survival for the baby in the jungle is to get on its feet. Otherwise it will be eaten up by wildcats and become dead meat.

My question to you is: Is this an act of love? You bet it is.

Children brought up in a loving, disciplined environment end up respecting their parents more and become law-abiding citizens.

The reverse is just as true.

If discipline is practiced in every home, juvenile delinquency would be reduced by 95%.

--J. Edgar Hoover

Good parents are not afraid of momentary dislikes by children to enforce the subject.

Discipline Gives Freedom

Allowing a child to eat a box of chocolate could lead to sickness. At the same time, the discipline of eating one or two pieces a day can be an enjoyable experience for a longer time.

Our instinct makes us do whatever we want regardless of the consequences.

Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired but controlling the desire.

--Epictetus

There is a misconception that freedom means doing your own thing. One cannot always have what one desires. Many times it is not easy to comprehend the benefits of good values and discipline. It may even seem more profitable, enjoyable and convenient to do otherwise. All we need to do is see countless instances where lack of discipline has prevented people from succeeding. What we think is pulling us down is really taking us up. That is what discipline is all about.

A boy was flying a kite with his father and asked him what kept the kite up. Dad replied, "The string." The boy said, "Dad, it is the string that is holding the kite down." The father asked his son to watch as he broke the string.

Guess what happened to the kite? It came down. Isn't that true in life? Sometimes the very things that we think are holding us down are the things that are helping us fly. That is what discipline is all about.

I Want to Be Free

We hear this phrase all the time: "I want to be free." If you take the train off the track, it is free, but where does it go? If everyone could make their own traffic Iaws and drive on any side of the road would you call that freedom or chaos? What is missing is discipline. By observing the rule, we are actually gaining freedom, aren't we?

It is Loving Firmness

I have asked this question to many participants in my seminars: "If your child had a fever of 105degF and did not want to go to the doctor, what would you do?" Invariably they said they would get medical help even if the child resisted. Why? Because it is in the best interest of the child.

Parenting is Not a Popularity Contest

A judge, when sentencing a man for robbery, asked if he had anything to say. The man replied, "Yes, your honor. Please sentence my parents to jail also." The judge asked, "Why?" The prisoner answered, "When I was a little boy, I stole a pencil from school. My parents knew about it but never said a word. Then I stole a pen. They knowingly ignored it. I continued to steal many other things from the school and the neighborhood till it became an obsession. They knew about it, yet they never said a word. If anyone belongs in jail with me, they do."

He is right. In not discharging their responsibilities, his parents are also to blame although it does not absolve him of his responsibility.

Giving choices to children is important, but choices without direction result in disaster. Complete mental and physical preparation is the result of sacrifice and self discipline.

Parents spend an average of 15 minutes a week in "meaningful dialog" with their children--children who are left to glean whatever values they can from peers and TV.

--Journal of the American Family Association

Ask yourself: Without discipline,

• can a captain run a ship effectively?
• can an athlete win a game?
• can a violinist play well at a concert?

The answer is, "Of course not." Why then do we question today, in matters of personal conduct, or to achieve any standard, if discipline is necessary? It is absolutely necessary.

Today the philosophy is: "If it feels good, do it."

I have heard parents innocently saying, "I don't care what my kids do so long as it makes them happy. That is all that matters." I ask them, "Wouldn't you want to know what makes them happy?" If beating people up on the streets and taking their things away are what make them happy, there is a word in the English language for them, it is called "perversion."

How and where we derive our happiness from is just as important as the happiness itself. It is a result of our values, discipline and responsibility.

We keep hearing "do what you like." The reverse is just as true. Like what you do. Many times we need to do what ought to be done whether we like it or not.

A mother comes home after a long day's work, takes care of the household chores, looks after the baby and goes to sleep exhausted. In the middle of the night the baby cries. Does mama feel like getting up? No, but she gets up anyway. Why? For three reasons:

• Love
• Duty
• Responsibility

We cannot live our lives by emotions alone. We need to add discipline, no matter what age we are. Winning in life comes when we do not succumb to what we want to do but do what ought to be done. That requires discipline.

Labeling and Put-Downs By Parents, Teachers and Supervisors

Have you heard some parents playfully or affectionately calling their kids "dummy" and "stupid"? Labels stick for life. When the kids grow up they will be sure to prove the parents right. Labels do not only stick for life but for generations. The caste system in India is a prime example of how labeling can hurt. Upper caste or lower caste, "If it is not a label, what is it?"

Common put-downs parents say to their kids are:

• You are dumb.
• You never do anything right.
• You will never amount to anything.

Teaching the Right Values

Many times, inadvertently and innocently, we end up teaching wrong values within our families and organizations. For example, we tell our children or staff to lie for us.

• Tell them I am not here.
• The check is in the mail.

We all look to our parents, teachers and supervisors to teach us integrity. And many times we are disappointed. Practicing these petty lies turns a person into a professional liar. When we teach others to lie for us, a day will come when they will lie to us too. For example, a secretary calls in sick when she really wants to go shopping. Maybe the boss gave her enough practice lying for him that she has become an expert in lying to him.